huh?

Its raining heavily. huge drops and lots of cascading water. the buildings are industrial feeling, like parking garages. they are tall, and where they are not cement, they reach up to the sky with walls of steel and glass. There are people around, but none seem to care that she is running. I dunno why she is running, but she is.  at first she is jogging at a deliberate pace. she runs head-long into somebody, brushes it off and continues. a car pulls up cutting her off in a cross walk. the sign turns red, she dashes acrosss and the chase is on. there are four suits hanging out the windows firing handguns at her. she runs and comes to an overpass. a flying leap off the top, landing with a heavy thud on top of a mid-sized sedan. roof caves in under her. she pushes off with her arms and lands hard on her feet, already at a run. more cars now. rain lets up some. there is a van with several swat armored troopers in it. door slides open. two shields come out, with two behind them with heavy weapons. she runs into an office type building. grabs at her chest gasping for breath. heliocoptors circle the streets. it is getting dark now. she moves deeper into the building, still on a low floor. she checks cell phone. no messages. bad news?  second story. she throws a desk through the window, follows it out the window and rolls off the top of it as it hits the street. again running. she runs to the edge of large body of water. sirens split relative silence. raining hard again. she takes refuge in large sewer? outlet (no water flowing)
looks down. she has been shot in the side? grazed maybe. pulls back bloody hand. swat searching water's edge. checks time on her phone. bad news again? huge explosion rocks building near by. swat turn to head toward noise. she kniocks one down, takes his shield and breaks his neck with it. running at other three. lots of shooting. slams into middle of the three. grabs his sub machine gun shoots one. gets shot in shoulder. charges shooter. smashes face shield with but of gun. takes his side arm. shoots him. shoots knocked down guy. runs quickly, but slowed by injury, toward empty van. grabs ammo and bulletproof vest. helocoptor comes overhead. shooting down at her with high caliber rounds. she takes three shots at search light. no good. runs into building where the explosion came from. elevator opens. she ducks behind pillar. they move past. she goes up. meets man in suit. he is unhurt. they go down stairwell to ground floor. into manhole sewer entrance. she coughs up small amount of blood. smiles through pain at him.

more later?
sorry the language is broken. it was a flood of imagery, i wanted to get it down.
i might clean this up later too.

Balance Issues

So, I have been a gamer (avid player of playing video games) for literally as far back as I can remember. Balance Issues normally speaks to a particular element of a game being over or under powered when compared to another. An example of this often comes into play in unimplemented things that are otherwise cardinal to intended mechanics. This usually results in one player-controlled race/class/character being better/worse than others, resulting in players using that specific device more than (or less than in the case of under-power), which in turn leads to unsatisfying game play.

The balance referred to draws its origins from the concept as it applies to Humanity and the Human Experience. balance, or a lack there of, speaks to a problem with all sides being equal. This concept is called a state of Equilibrium. Equilibrium is also the name for the sum of all the things that make humans able to balance. Sound has a huge role in this, as much (arguably all) of Humanity's ability to balance on two legs comes from a balance of fluids in the inner ear.  

now, I start with this tangent so you will understand that I know what I am talking about when I speak on the subject of Balance Issues.

Today's balance issues only have to do with the game of Life.
not the board game, mind you.
the life that you, and I lead. that life.
You know, the one that for your probably starts with slapping your alarm clock or phone and getting 'just two more minutes', and then maybe a cup of coffee and a bowl of cold cereal, before spending 8-12 hours at a job you probably hate.  
Specifically mine, today, is having massive balance issues. not in terms of gaming, mind you. The above was more/less just a starting place so you might have some idea of where my mind goes when I think of lacking balance. 
You should understand that my life has (as near as I can tell) always been unbalanced. That is to say, my brain is not (chemically) balanced correctly.
To this end, I have a standing subscription for generic Celexa, which helps stem the tidal cycle of depression and anxiety that have colored my life to this point.
I present this without judgement and only a slight tint of remorse.

Now, among the things that Celexa (which is an SSRI; that is, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) can do, are drop in sex drive, mild confusion, excessive sleepiness, and it can cause mild dizziness. these are common side effects.
I rarely am affected by any of these,
I am usually a bit dizzy and unsteady on my feet when  I wake up, more so than I used to be before being on the meds. I do not mind this, because it makes it a bit of a trick to get to the bathroom and until today has never posed any really big problems for me.
Among the rarer side effects Celexa and other SSRI's can have is causing of the sensation of vertigo.
For those that do not know, and have been exceedingly drunk, vertigo is similar to the spinning that exceedingly drunk people often say they experience.
Vertigo is, however, substantially worse.
Near as I can tell, without reading on Wikipedia about it, vertigo is a complete shifting of the fluids in your inner ear. so powerful is the effect that your inner ear has on your brain, that your vision feels wrong, and seems to not make sense.

 (here, fine, I made myself curious:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vertigo  )

 Now, for me, this sensation was somewhere between two of the three main types. I am unsure even now, as everything feels fine, if I felt like the room, or I was spinning, but very much so everything was. I felt like I was falling and like everything around me was spinning simultaneously, but I could not begin to separate the two sensations into one complex feeling. unpleasant.
I woke up and felt my usual unsteadiness on my feet, opened my door, took my first awkward stumbly step and *wham* it was literally like I was walking on the ceiling, and the floor at the same time. I dropped to the ground, unable to right myself right away.  I managed to get to all fours on my hands and knees, only to fall over sideways. By the time I hit the ground (which was not entirely uncontrolled), I knew what was happening sort of. It did not scare me as much as frustrate me.
I managed to get to my back, which took more effort than it sounds like it would being that I was alternating from all fours to falling on my side. Once flat on my back, I just lay there, feeling spinny for about five or so minutes, near as I can tell.  Once the feeling subsided, I clumsily got to my side, then all fours, then to my feet. once back on my feet, I felt like I always feel in the mornings: vaguely unsteady, like an infant that can walk with relative ease, but whom gravity has not bent entire before into the mastery that adults have.

I'm a bit shaky right now, only because it was very tiring to try (and fail) so hard to right myself and stand.
This feeling is not entirely foreign to me. I broke my nose about ten years ago, and had about a week and a half of disorientation similar to this. The only thing that really stands out to me is that I literally could not make sense for a little while of what my eyes were seeing.

I wish I could remember what I was dreaming about, because I have started (here or elsewhere on my computer) to write down my dreams. This event (which was about six hours ago now) knocked any remembrance of my dreams from last night out of my head. 

 I might update this more, as I am kinda tired of writing right about now, but I thought it was worth mentioning that this is, in almost six months, of being on the drug, the first time I have had any kind of major side effect.

still, better than anxiety that cripples me.

stranger than fiction

so more weirdness in the dream sector.
The first one happened some time last night proper.

I don't remember a whole lot about it now, but it had something to do with being the head of state of some small spanish speaking country (a language I can only sort of follow in conversation, and cannot participate in verbally in any kind of meaningful way)
I tasked my immediate subordinate (who had been the head of state before me) with doing something (I don't remember what) and instead, he ordered an exceedingly high-priced stripper. I was furious, then, while the stripper was there (fully clothed, I might add) some kind of delegate arrived for an important conference.

For some reason, this was to take place in an office on the roof of a building near an airport. During this meeting, I saw a cat, and because I am always distracted by cats, I ran out to catch it and finally did.
It was a black cat with a white spot on his chest.
His mouth was missing most of its teeth (specifically, it had six teeth), and he had a metal ring that looked like a very bent coat hanger trapped in his throat.
I was scrambling to find somebody to help the cat, because (somehow we were in Los Angeles now) specifically from my friend and his girlfriend who live there. I seemed to be a low level functionary now, as opposed to the head of state I was before, and as such, had to ask permission to use phones and things, and did not know how to get an outside line.
further analysis of the cat's missing teeth and wounds seemed to indicate that it had been the victim of specifically human abuse, which angered me almost to a blind rage.
somebody suggested I call my ex-fiance' because she'd know what to do, but I told them "NO!, because she will steal this cat from me, too."

and then I woke up.

The second dream was more interesting and random, and a lot less stressful.

The stressfulness of the first dream, I don't think comes across well in the wording, but it was very stressful and intense and at times scary. I was very frightened for the cat's life.

The second dream happened this morning, some time between 9:30 when I initially woke up, and 11:30 when I had my alarm set for.

In the dream, I had gone down to Riviera Market, which is a corner store near my house. I go there fairly frequently when I have a craving for sweets of some kind, or have money to burn and want to treat myself. Since being back in SB, the former rather than the latter has been the case, as I am more broke than I care to admit.
Once at the store, I decided on some frozen doughnuts in a freezer case, marked at 2.75. (out of my available 5.00) having made my decision, I got in line. there were three or four people ahead of me, which was no big deal. An acquaintance of mine from Colorado (who needless to say lives nowhere near Southern California) came in, playing his PS-Vita, so I talked with him for a moment and followed him to the door because he had finished his purchase. when I turned to get back in line, there were like a dozen people ahead of me in line waiting. among them, two friends of mine from high school -twin brothers- so I talked with them while waiting for the line to drop down.
Eventually the line did, and because it was so crowded, there was confusion about change for my purchase. I ended up getting the correct change, and left.
I decided, upon leaving, to go walkabout for a while before going home.

The next thing I know, I'm walking around unfamiliar streets with vegetation that is slightly different than what grows here in SB.
I walk down the hill I am on, figuring eventually I will reach something like civilization. (now, bare in mind, what I mean is that I will hit something that is not residential, because it is super weird to stop in at somebody's house and ask where you are) or at least find some kind of landmark that will tell me where I am.
Eventually, i come upon a large field with fences like backstops and such, and people training with pole-vaults. I walk through what looks like a non-essential part of the field, where athletes are stretching and such, and make my way to the far side.
While on the way, i am blocked by fences that come together in a labyrinthine fashion, so I end up having to cross the track after some people go by. I make my way along the field to the far side where there is a gate. Through the gate is an elaborate wooden structure with ramps and gates and the like. through these, I run into some people I went to high school with, and work up the nerve to ask where I am.
"San Luis Obispo High School" and one of the people from high school tells me "you know, if you are going to come to afternoon practices now, you should call ahead of time, and I can give you rides to and fro."
I thank her, and head on my way back.

There are some kids picking at the dirt near by, so i go to check it out. turns out there is a huge (and I mean HUGE) network of stinkbugs under the dirt, and they are burrowing to the surface, their stink stuff coming up through the dirt in thick oily patches. I make note to avoid these and tell some of the high school people about it, and go on my way.

then I wake up.

weird stuff. thats really all.

a little bit stranger

I've had some weird dreams the last few nights. very fragmented, which for me is a bit odd. usually they are very linear, or at least moderately linear. I was running someplace at first, just going. like flying low above the ground, or skipping the surface of the ground like a stone on a lake. It was happy, but also there was a feeling of... im not sure what. like a lump in my stomach. uneasy maybe.
Then I'm surrounded by fields of tall grass or grain some of it is gold and some of it is bright green. at first im as tall as it, but as im going, it gets taller or I get smaller. there is mud on the ground, and it starts to drizzle at first. then its fully raining and the dust that i have kicked up, which is all over my shins and shoes and shirt, is slowly turning to mud. im not scared though.
its almost a happy feeling. There is a thrill of excitement that shoots through my spine and raises the hair on the back of my neck because my feet are starting to stick to the ground as i jog. my legs get tired, so i start to walk instead of run. my chest is heaving because i am out of breath, and i get that cold, hard, dry feeling in my throat that means i have been breathing too hard for too long.

all at once im up to my knees in mud and the excitement drops off quickly. there is the briefest moment of panic before i remember where im going. I am headed to the naval port to catch a sea-plane to Alaska, where my cousin has a crab fishing fleet (I really do have a cousin in alaska with a crab fishing fleet in real life) where i intend to go.

for a moment I'm standing on the dock in alaska, where it is at the time of year in the dream, always just after dusk, but not quite dark yet. there are old electric lamps hanging on lamp posts strung together by wimpy looking cables that lead to one of several buildings in town.
before i take my eyes off the lamps and look toward the town,
im back on the plane. its loud, and i feel uneasy. there are lots of people on the plane, somewhere around thirty. its just a cargo plane, so everyone is clinging to cargo netting and sitting on their bags. I only have my one pair of boots (on) a pair of pants and a shirt and sweatshirt on. i have a backpack, and my cell (which in the dream has a broken screen and wont turn on) I also have my wallet, but no money or anything else in it, just my parents and my dog-tags, and a piece of blank plastic with the number 4 on it.

Then Im back in the field, and its snowing and the plants are all grey and brown. its quiet. no bugs, or birds or anything else, just the mist of my breath. im alone, but it still feels okay. there is a noise like bees. lots of them. then i realize its airplane propeller engines. i look up and see my plane going over head.

then im back inside, and i feel like im leaving something behind. like leaving the house with the lights on.

the engines stop and there is a great woosh followed by something hitting the steel walls of the plane, and i realize we have landed. the lights come on inside the plane, and the doors open. the air smells vaguely of gasoline, metal and refuse. its snowing here too, and in the fog around the lights there are insects casting tiny shadows on the wood planks of the dock. The whole place seems to rise and fall slowly, like breathing, and I realize that there is no land near me. the whole place is floating. there are huge planters with trees growing in them, and under the wood of the docks seems to be a vast root system from the trees, all wrapped around the floats that keep the town from sinking.

somebody calls me, "BOY!, YEAH YOU, What are you doing here?" I answer that I'm here to go crab fishing to make some money. he asks me if i have ever been crabbing, and i shake my head. he directs me to one of the buildings, and says i should start there, because "there, thats where all the new ones go" but they wont let me in because im broke.
A whore makes a pass at me. she is pretty, but exudes sadness. I say I cannot pay, and have never bedded a prostitute before. she kisses my forehead lightly and she says "that was free. and so is this: curl up on the benches by the magazine racks down stairs. youre not allowed to sleep anywhere outside, but its warmer there than anywhere else, and nobody will bother you. in the morning, you can find a crew."
I say "thank you," and trail off implying that im asking her name.
"Cecalie. that's what they call me."
"Thank you, Cecalie." I say again, and head down stairs.

There are some old men playing Go down by the racks im to sleep next to. I sit behind the racks curled up against the wall as small as i can be and huddle my backpack against me between my chest and my knees.
"oi! you're not going to sleep there, are you?"
I dont answer at first, so he says it again.
I call out "I was. I didn't want to disturb your game."
"You'll freeze, you know. we're supposta get two feet o' snow tonight. go tell Cecalie that Dodger said you could use one of her beds. If she has a complaint, tell her I said I'd pay her for it tomorrow, the normal boarding fee."
I thank the man and start to head off.
"you know, you really do look like Morgan (my grandfather in real life). He didn't live to be much older than you, y'know. be careful."
I thank him again, and go to cecalie, as instructed.
She shows me to a room and stands just inside the closed door while i compose my things. It takes me a minute before I realize she's still in the room. I look at her, and she is watching me with curiosity. I pause, at a loss for words.
"I'm not here for that. I... Dodger just told me to sleep in a room."
I'm suddenly embarrassed. I'm not sure why. I lay down on the covers of the made bed, using my backpack as a pillow. I don't want to leave any indication that I was here, when I leave.
Cecalie walks over to the light and blows out the flame. Coming in from the wax-paper windows is a pale blue light from the moon outside, rimmed with the last purple-orange of the never-setting sun.
She is shorter than me. at first, she just stands over me, which makes me feel more embarrassed than before. I roll away from her, facing the opposite wall. there is extra weight on the bed for a moment. then I twitch as something touches me under the ribs and across my chest. she reaches up and brushes my shoulder with the back of her hand.
"Why?" I ask. "I have nothing to give you, and you don't owe me anything. won't you get in trouble?"
there is sweet hot air on the back of my neck.
"Sweetheart, If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't."

I'm back in the field. its raining this time. its raining but im smiling.

im back in the room with Cecalie. I'm still clothed, but she has moved so her head is under my chin.like we were hugging standing up, and fell over sideways.

She asks in this tiny voice how old I am. I tell her, and ask her the same.
"Younger than you. and older than you." she says. I don't know what to say, so I say "oh"
"twenty two" she says after some silence.
She starts to touch my chest in a different way, kinda and plays idly with the belt loops on my pants.
"Stop." I say
she pauses and kisses my chin.
"No." i say again.
"That is not what I wanted. it's not what I want.

"It isn't real" I say.
and I'm back in the plane. I look out the window and I'm back in the mud up to my knees, and it's pouring.
That thrill comes back to my spine and up to my neck. then I'm in the field, and its drizzling.
im smiling. Its going to be a good day.
im running again. I dont know why, or where, but Im running.
I know Im going to see her.
I dont even know who "she" is
I feel like its not cecalie.
that's not how it was supposed to be.
im standing on my front porch, waiting eagerly for somebody to arrive. The car pulls up and I charge down the steps and climb int the passenger seat.
The car smells like girl. I look over , positively beaming.
and then I wake up.

In the Beginning

Chances are good, if you are reading this, it is because you saw the title "Lost in paradise" and were curious what it means this time. well this instance of being lost in paradise has a pretty standard meaning, which refers to my state of being.
This place is bad for me.
I have been here, living in my folks house again (a place I swore to myself I would never again reside) for about three months. almost to the day, actually. tomorrow makes it exactly 3 months.
This place was never home, and now, I am faced with a fear -which I have always felt- that I will be trapped here. not physically. I could just up and leave any time, in body. life, however, is no longer that simple. One cannot live as one lived a hundred years ago, off the land as a wanderer. Today, even wanderers require money to get food.
I am digressing, though.

This place, Santa Barbara, known throughout the world as a resort town, a place of peace and happiness, has never been that for me.
There are several things I must do before I can free myself of this place. First is get a handle on my anxiety.
Second is get a job. With the money from a job, get a car. Once I have a car (paid for) Then get my own place, because living with my parents is hell. They are wonderful people to know, but they are comfortable with a level of life that I am not comfortable with. I have tasted more, and I want it back.

I need to live by myself (with a cat or two haha) any eventually I would like to share my space with somebody else.
For now, though.
Being Lost (as I am) in Paradise (which Santa Barbara can be) is where I am. SO, needlessly long story shorter than it could be: That is why it is called what it is called.
More tomorrow.

OH yeah, the intent is to use this as a journal, more or less. Hopefully it is an interesting read.
It should also be noted that any friends I list here will not be listed using their real names. Nobody aside from myself will, because honestly, I feel that as a matter of course, everyone who is not me should be left private.
Besides, I do not always have entirely complementary things to say about everyone in my life, and I wish for there to be some level of shielding, for me and for others. Cowardice? maybe. Self preservation? definitely.