a little bit stranger

I've had some weird dreams the last few nights. very fragmented, which for me is a bit odd. usually they are very linear, or at least moderately linear. I was running someplace at first, just going. like flying low above the ground, or skipping the surface of the ground like a stone on a lake. It was happy, but also there was a feeling of... im not sure what. like a lump in my stomach. uneasy maybe.
Then I'm surrounded by fields of tall grass or grain some of it is gold and some of it is bright green. at first im as tall as it, but as im going, it gets taller or I get smaller. there is mud on the ground, and it starts to drizzle at first. then its fully raining and the dust that i have kicked up, which is all over my shins and shoes and shirt, is slowly turning to mud. im not scared though.
its almost a happy feeling. There is a thrill of excitement that shoots through my spine and raises the hair on the back of my neck because my feet are starting to stick to the ground as i jog. my legs get tired, so i start to walk instead of run. my chest is heaving because i am out of breath, and i get that cold, hard, dry feeling in my throat that means i have been breathing too hard for too long.

all at once im up to my knees in mud and the excitement drops off quickly. there is the briefest moment of panic before i remember where im going. I am headed to the naval port to catch a sea-plane to Alaska, where my cousin has a crab fishing fleet (I really do have a cousin in alaska with a crab fishing fleet in real life) where i intend to go.

for a moment I'm standing on the dock in alaska, where it is at the time of year in the dream, always just after dusk, but not quite dark yet. there are old electric lamps hanging on lamp posts strung together by wimpy looking cables that lead to one of several buildings in town.
before i take my eyes off the lamps and look toward the town,
im back on the plane. its loud, and i feel uneasy. there are lots of people on the plane, somewhere around thirty. its just a cargo plane, so everyone is clinging to cargo netting and sitting on their bags. I only have my one pair of boots (on) a pair of pants and a shirt and sweatshirt on. i have a backpack, and my cell (which in the dream has a broken screen and wont turn on) I also have my wallet, but no money or anything else in it, just my parents and my dog-tags, and a piece of blank plastic with the number 4 on it.

Then Im back in the field, and its snowing and the plants are all grey and brown. its quiet. no bugs, or birds or anything else, just the mist of my breath. im alone, but it still feels okay. there is a noise like bees. lots of them. then i realize its airplane propeller engines. i look up and see my plane going over head.

then im back inside, and i feel like im leaving something behind. like leaving the house with the lights on.

the engines stop and there is a great woosh followed by something hitting the steel walls of the plane, and i realize we have landed. the lights come on inside the plane, and the doors open. the air smells vaguely of gasoline, metal and refuse. its snowing here too, and in the fog around the lights there are insects casting tiny shadows on the wood planks of the dock. The whole place seems to rise and fall slowly, like breathing, and I realize that there is no land near me. the whole place is floating. there are huge planters with trees growing in them, and under the wood of the docks seems to be a vast root system from the trees, all wrapped around the floats that keep the town from sinking.

somebody calls me, "BOY!, YEAH YOU, What are you doing here?" I answer that I'm here to go crab fishing to make some money. he asks me if i have ever been crabbing, and i shake my head. he directs me to one of the buildings, and says i should start there, because "there, thats where all the new ones go" but they wont let me in because im broke.
A whore makes a pass at me. she is pretty, but exudes sadness. I say I cannot pay, and have never bedded a prostitute before. she kisses my forehead lightly and she says "that was free. and so is this: curl up on the benches by the magazine racks down stairs. youre not allowed to sleep anywhere outside, but its warmer there than anywhere else, and nobody will bother you. in the morning, you can find a crew."
I say "thank you," and trail off implying that im asking her name.
"Cecalie. that's what they call me."
"Thank you, Cecalie." I say again, and head down stairs.

There are some old men playing Go down by the racks im to sleep next to. I sit behind the racks curled up against the wall as small as i can be and huddle my backpack against me between my chest and my knees.
"oi! you're not going to sleep there, are you?"
I dont answer at first, so he says it again.
I call out "I was. I didn't want to disturb your game."
"You'll freeze, you know. we're supposta get two feet o' snow tonight. go tell Cecalie that Dodger said you could use one of her beds. If she has a complaint, tell her I said I'd pay her for it tomorrow, the normal boarding fee."
I thank the man and start to head off.
"you know, you really do look like Morgan (my grandfather in real life). He didn't live to be much older than you, y'know. be careful."
I thank him again, and go to cecalie, as instructed.
She shows me to a room and stands just inside the closed door while i compose my things. It takes me a minute before I realize she's still in the room. I look at her, and she is watching me with curiosity. I pause, at a loss for words.
"I'm not here for that. I... Dodger just told me to sleep in a room."
I'm suddenly embarrassed. I'm not sure why. I lay down on the covers of the made bed, using my backpack as a pillow. I don't want to leave any indication that I was here, when I leave.
Cecalie walks over to the light and blows out the flame. Coming in from the wax-paper windows is a pale blue light from the moon outside, rimmed with the last purple-orange of the never-setting sun.
She is shorter than me. at first, she just stands over me, which makes me feel more embarrassed than before. I roll away from her, facing the opposite wall. there is extra weight on the bed for a moment. then I twitch as something touches me under the ribs and across my chest. she reaches up and brushes my shoulder with the back of her hand.
"Why?" I ask. "I have nothing to give you, and you don't owe me anything. won't you get in trouble?"
there is sweet hot air on the back of my neck.
"Sweetheart, If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't."

I'm back in the field. its raining this time. its raining but im smiling.

im back in the room with Cecalie. I'm still clothed, but she has moved so her head is under my chin.like we were hugging standing up, and fell over sideways.

She asks in this tiny voice how old I am. I tell her, and ask her the same.
"Younger than you. and older than you." she says. I don't know what to say, so I say "oh"
"twenty two" she says after some silence.
She starts to touch my chest in a different way, kinda and plays idly with the belt loops on my pants.
"Stop." I say
she pauses and kisses my chin.
"No." i say again.
"That is not what I wanted. it's not what I want.

"It isn't real" I say.
and I'm back in the plane. I look out the window and I'm back in the mud up to my knees, and it's pouring.
That thrill comes back to my spine and up to my neck. then I'm in the field, and its drizzling.
im smiling. Its going to be a good day.
im running again. I dont know why, or where, but Im running.
I know Im going to see her.
I dont even know who "she" is
I feel like its not cecalie.
that's not how it was supposed to be.
im standing on my front porch, waiting eagerly for somebody to arrive. The car pulls up and I charge down the steps and climb int the passenger seat.
The car smells like girl. I look over , positively beaming.
and then I wake up.